Conflicted about helping others
Dear Corporate Shrink,
I am a program director for a provider of school services. We have no HR department so I find it very challenging to provide in-house "counseling" for our employees and still maintain professional boundaries - you know, those times when someone is in crisis but may not need to get into therapy, just needs immediate support and a way to work through something.
Dear Conflicted about helping others,
I’m certain that your intent is to be a good active listener and serve the interests of both your company and employees; however, you are right in your hesitation and concern about giving advice to other employees, especially if they are supervisees.
People under stress tend to want to talk. It is very common for employees to bring their life issues to work. What are they looking for when they do that and how should you respond?
Most of the time, these are non-personal complaints – noisy neighbors, higher taxes, the weather, etc. It is just venting. It’s brief, and any sympathetic comment makes the person feel some satisfaction and support. We all do this. It’s an accepted exchange program of complaints. It usually only becomes a problem when an employee is extremely negative about everything in life and relentlessly lets others know about it. If it’s so extreme that it affects the individual’s, or others’, work performance, it requires more than just listening.
Employees sharing their more serious personal problems – a sour marriage, an acting out adolescent, a debilitating illness, a stormy relationship with a co-worker, etc. – on a regular basis; require special handling. Most people experience some satisfaction in lending a good ear or sounding board to others. It’s good to feel needed; to be seen as an important friend, colleague, or advisor. In many situations, we are in fact helping someone out. The individual’s talking out the problem allows them to gain some footing and develop a clearer perspective that often provides at least a temporary or partial solution to their problem. We may not need to say much; just being there is therapeutic.
It gets a little tricky when the problem doesn’t get better or becomes worse and the other person keeps confiding in you. In these situations, trying to be a good listener is not the best thing. The venting provides temporary relief and a sense of wellbeing from feeling understood but it keeps the person from seeking needed professional help. The key is judging when lines are getting crossed that can actually interfere with your workplace relationship, work performance, or even the employee’s personal life situation.
Red flags include: the problem is getting worse; other employees are complaining about the situation; it’s taking too much of your time and affecting your own performance; you are personally being affected by the employee’s situation, even taking it home with you; or, you are becoming exasperated or bored by the repetitiveness of the complaints.
When you think that the person could benefit from professional help, you can tactfully raise the subject with a comment such as: "I feel very bad you are going through this. Have you ever thought of talking to a professional about it?" You can be ready with the name of two or three psychologists you know or have heard positive comments about. If the company has an Employee Assistance Program, you can suggest it as a resource.
By the way - even formal HR departments are not usually trained to do counseling and all my advice above goes for them too
Finally, trying to help others is not that straightforward. Great advice is often not enough. We all have our own internal saboteurs that we need to become acquainted with before good advice, or plain common sense, is usable. Often, professional help is needed to promote self-reflection and difficult decision making.